Seconds Too Late--edits
I wake. Nathaniel's pillow hides my head. Last night was "bye." He's leaving for the coast. Remains seep from me, still moisten our bed. "I've gotta chase my dreams, make the most of life. It's...
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I like the way you break the block to serve the narrative. It works.Im thinking about the meter. Some lines are smooth pentameter, others have it mixed. Some can be fixed: Line four as "I've gotta...
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I disagree with the previous critic's recommendation to change line 4. There are two competing interests here. The first is to write realistic dialogue, the second is to work within the demands of the...
View ArticleRe: Seconds Too Late--edits
I like the content that you are presenting. The way it's done is puzzling:1. I don't see why you don't use the 14 line format. Your content doesn't prohibit it. If you are going to break the lines...
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Christy,If you return to answer comments, I'd like to know if "second's choice" was used metaphorically in the sense of a garment being a 2nd ... flawed - therefore not one's first choice.
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February,No, that wasn't the intent. The intent was that the decision was to be made in a second because it would have been too late otherwise.
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Rick, I think I had it the way you originally intended, but Owl persuaded me to change as he suggested here.
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Something seems wrong about the seventh line. You might say "Can't ask you not to finish your degree," but to say "drop out of your degree" doesn't seem natural. I like your next to last line a lot....
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Frank, it's nice to meet you.I was breaking it up into sections. I was trying to space it out, but somehow it didn't work that way when the message went through.Yes, this story is supposed to give the...
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Thanks for the commnets, Mike. That's my favorite line as well. I would take your suggestion, but I'm afraid that's a double negative, my friend. Thanks for bringing it up though.
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No, Christie. That's not the kind of double negative your grammar teachers warned you about. It's a rhetorical negation. It works. re: "Can't ask you to give up on your degree..." That works, too....
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